Boundaries save student midwives from abuse

Student midwives need boundaries to save themselves from abuse

For this post we are going to talk about how students need to have boundaries to protect themselves from their precepting midwives. You need healthy boundaries so that lines that aren’t crossed and you become abused. Other reasons you need boundaries are to protect yourself from clients and other birth professionals. Also, to make sure you do not burn yourself out and have enough time to breathe.

If you are currently in an apprenticeship and you think that you are being taken advantage of I urge you to reach out to your school. Ask them if what you are experiencing is abuse. Abuse can lead to PTSD, feelings of self doubt, quitting the field you love, feelings of suicide or the want to harm oneself and more.

I know it is hard to think of a beautiful, caring midwife as an abuser but it can and does happen. It is important not to lump (most) all midwives in this category. EVERY profession has abuse, we are not immune.

I’ve heard many stories about students being taken advantage of.

One student was made to take her preceptor’s car to be serviced, clean her personal house, mowed her yard, took her daughter to school regularly and much more. None of that is okay without compensation. That is a person in power using their status to take advantage of someone of lesser power.

Now, abuse is NOT cleaning the office or the birth center if that is what you agreed to and asked at your interview before you started your apprenticeship. Abuse is not staying long at a birth. It is not the midwife telling that you have not mastered a skill yet and need to practice more before they sign off on skills. Abuse is not the midwife telling you that you are not invited to every birth.

Abuse is doing personal tasks for the midwife without compensation

It is abuse when you are doing a task outside of midwifery without pay. It is talking down to you in front of clients, with other midwives and/or behind closed doors. Be careful of this yourself. Do not gossip or talk bad about your preceptor! If you have a problem consult a select few, not the whole town.

Abuse is throwing things at you because yes, it does happen! Are you shocked? I was dumb founded when a student told me she experienced this.

Abuse is refusing to sign off on mastered skills. This point can get tricky, sometimes students believe that they have mastered a skill when they have not.

Abuse is not being taught midwifery and only answering the phone and filing charts for 3 months without pay before they even interview you. Abuse is not letting you skip a prenatal day because your husband or child are in the hospital.

For some situations, you may think it is abuse but it could just be that your feelings are hurt.

This is not to down play abuse at all. This is why you need to ask a non-biased person if it is abuse. You need to run like crazy away from abusers but we do not need to label midwives abusive when they aren’t. Again, I am not saying to stay if you are experiencing abuse.

What to do if you feel like you are being abused?

• Take a deep breath.
• Document every thing. Grab a journal, the notes of your phone or a computer and put it all on paper.
• Make sure that you have all of your signatures and skills signed off. If it is bad, you may need to cut your losses and choose your sanity over getting signatures.
• Reach out to your school and talk with them to see if they agree with you. Find out what advice and tips they have for you.
• Talk to a trusted person who is unrelated to the situation. Give it fresh eyes and ears.
• Do not be afraid. I understand that this may be the only midwife in a 200 mile radius but your mental and physical health is more important. You might have to put your studies on hold or consider relocating.
• Learn! Stop the abuse. Just because you were abused in your apprenticeship does not mean you abuse your students later on. I hear “my preceptor did it to me. Mine made me do x, y, z and you should too.” NO!

• Remember you are amazing. You are worth respect. You are not the stupid person you are made out to be. Your preceptor is not worthy of you.

What can you do to make sure boundaries are not crossed?

• When you interview your preceptor talk about the tasks that they will have you do as their student. If you see any red flags at that point, you can either point them out and see if the midwife just does not see that it is not okay or you can run.
• Find out if the midwife you are interviewing with has a student agreement or contract. This document would have a job description with the tasks you’d be asked to do in it. It is not a common document that I know of but I plan on having one for my future students.
• If you are in the apprenticeship and are asked to do something you feel is abuse or crosses boundaries shut it down then. Talk to your preceptor and let her know that you do not think that is a midwife related task. Open the dialog.
• Just because you did the task for the midwife before, does not mean that you have to do the task again. Or, just because a boundary was crossed once does not mean you have to let that boundary be crossed again.

You. Are. Good. Enough.

I realize that this is not enough but I just do not know how to put all of my thoughts into words about this topic yet. A couple months ago I was asked by a school what I thought could be put into a preceptor training course. It took 3 hours but I wrote a 5 page paper with .5 margins!

I myself have experienced abuse in my 4 years as a student. Multiple midwives and outside eyes verify my abuse yet it still made me feel worthless. I felt inadequate. I nearly quit.

Thinking back now, I cannot believe that I almost let one person’s skewed opinion of me destroy years of hard work.

Do not do that to yourself. Realize your worth and find someone who will respect and love on you. Even if it means it takes longer to become a midwife.

Here are some helpful links I encourage you to look at:

Midwife in Progress – Bullying in Midwifery 

Midwifery Today 5 part series on bullying 

Midwifes Alliance of North America Bullying

Have you have experienced abuse? I would love to hear about how you over came it and how you moved on in the comments. If you are currently in an abusive situation please realize your self worth is NOT defined by the person abusing you.

Have questions about what to ask a prospective preceptor or how to find a preceptor? Read the rest of my student midwife blog. It was made just for you!